Happy to be a survivor

Until recently I had never listened to The Archers but when I was searching for something to listen to at bedtime I thought I'd try the long-running radio soap.

I tend to fall asleep during most radio shows because I have them on in the background to settle me to sleep so I didn't get to hear a full episode but I listened to enough to pick up on what was happening between husband and wife Rob and Helen Titchener.

Rob had been abusing Helen, emotionally and physically, for some time and it made for uncomfortable listening. The reason being that I was a victim of domestic abuse in my first marriage.

I hadn't thought about what I went through for a long time but listening to Helen's ordeal brought it back to me.

The controlling behaviour. Questioning every thing I did. Not trusting me to be alone. Telling me that I would be nothing without him, that I couldn't cope alone. Telling me that I was worthless and no-one else would want me. Not letting me have friends. Judging what I wore. Listening in to phone calls. Constantly checking up on me, to the point of stalking me (which is ironic considering he was the one sleeping around) Pushing me down the stairs or out of the door if I dared argue. The emotional blackmailing when I wouldn't have sex with him…..the list goes on.

He was very charming in front of everyone else and played at being everyone's friend but behind closed doors I was not allowed to think for myself. I was constantly treading on eggshells, wondering what would set him off next.

The day before a family gathering he threw me onto the patio and I injured my knee. The next day, in desperation I played on it in front of my relatives hoping someone would step in and 'save' me. When he wasn't around and I was questioned about my injury I was really cagey so that they would hopefully realise that he did it. Nothing was said. Nothing was done. The car journey home was hell and I sat there wanting to scream at him "Stop the car! Let me out. Let me go" I even considered opening the car door as he was driving. Anything to get away but I knew that he would catch up with me.

I thought marrying him would change things but it made it worse if anything. He owned me. He could do what he liked. Even having his children staying over at weekends didn't stop the attacks.

I managed to garner enough strength and energy to leave…..on 3 occasions and on each occasion he would beg and plead and cry while promising that he would change. He loved me and would do anything for me. I stupidly believed him.

He regularly threatened to take an overdose. One time he left a message for my landlady (?!) telling her he'd taken an overdose so I called an ambulance and rushed to him. He wouldn't let me in to the cubicle at hospital and after a short while they let him leave without even pumping his stomach. I later found out the only thing he'd overdosed on was alcohol.

It took me 8 years to finally leave for good and it took me a very long time to realise that I could cope without him, I could manage alone, and I most definitely could be happy with my life. He spent the next 2 years pushing and pushing for me to stay in his life but he eventually agreed to a divorce. I cannot describe how I felt knowing that I could move on and that sick, twisted monster would no longer be in my life.

Life has been great since. There have been some really tough times but I've come out the other side and more importantly I can look far enough ahead to know that I can take crap on and manage with whatever life throws at me. Mostly it feels like it all happened in a parallel universe but I will always be affected by what he did to me. The scars, mostly the ones in my head, will never completely disappear, but I feel stronger in the knowledge that I left it, and him, behind-lucky to escape.

If you ever find yourself in this situation please talk to someone. Get some help and support. I know it's easier said than done and it's a difficult conversation to start but you should not be treated this way. You deserve better.

Call the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visit their website for advice. http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk